Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.