{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.