FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.