Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.