Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.