My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.