You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The options really are this bad
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then