New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
This is my emotional support knife.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what