Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Where is your GOD now????
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Finally
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby