If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”