Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
no refunds
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other