Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
why am I working on Labor Day
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…