Chemical wingman
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.