My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
#Thanos #MondayMood
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
what’s really going on
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl