WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.