What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
is this how new cars are made??
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.