Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
☺️
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
dads on road-trips be like
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
bout dat hot dog summer
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”