“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Good point.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*