Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Beauty and the Beast
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.