Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
An odd boast
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Just why bro?!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Great game to play with friends