alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.