Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am