Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Doggies just call it style.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me too
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?