“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Well well well…
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.