When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
no!! no!!!!!!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.