My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
shit, they caught us—run!!!
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?