To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.