Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.