I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I am having an out of money experience.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.