If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You Might Also Like
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King