From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
You wish you had this many chins.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself