Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I don’t think my car can fly
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!