Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?