Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Message from the dog groomers
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
A roof is a house hat.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.