No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
You Might Also Like
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!