Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*pokes sex life with a stick
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.