The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
You Might Also Like
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”