The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there