Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.