The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Ha.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet