Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”