my dad has had enough
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Oh yeah that’s it
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.