Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’d hang this in my house.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god