Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Life with a cat in one tweet
😍😂🥰😂😍
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down