This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Can. I. Help. You.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better