Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed