Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Spring cleaning checklist…
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”