You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
God, I love Scotland
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’m tired tomorrow.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
This cat wants you to take your pills
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro