Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.