*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like